Being a hipster is all about independence, and Independence Day is a hipster's chance to shine. Hipsters are too cool for family fun and backyard BBQs, obviously, but Main Street parades on single-speed bikes melt their hip-hearts like warm apple pie, and 4th of July fashion makes their American-Apparel-led pulses race like they're running a three-legged one.
In the spirit of our country's founding fathers, hipsters have rebelled from the cool colony and a revolutionary number of hipster sub-settlements have been established. Superficially these sub-groups are nearly identical (but don't tell them that!), so differentiating between them can be challenging. You're likely to run into a hipster or two this holiday, and this guide will help you determine which genre of hipster you're star-spangled-bantering with.
You can't always judge a hipster by it's cover, especially in the case of L.A. Hipsters vs. Small Town Hipsters. L.A. Hipsters are known for the exorbitant amount of time and money they spend to look like they don't care about what they look like. Small Town Hipsters, on the other hand, truly do care what they look like, but they don't have access to all hipster hot-shops, so they just look like they don't care. The irony of it all is so hip.
Most L.A. Hipsters say they're models, yet few have actually modeled since that American Apparel ad they shot in '07.
Behold the Small Town Hipster. They just hit up the Waffle House and now they're heading to the bowling alley.
Olympic Hopeful Hipsters try out for the Summer Games ironically, but secretly dream of one day becoming Gold-Metal-Contender Hipsters.
*The guy on the left is more 80's-movie-villain, but I'm giving him the respect his heartthrob hair deserves.
Boho Hipsters, aka Coachella Hipsters, are commonly confused with Hardcore Hipsters. To determine whether you've encountered a Boho Hipster or a Hardcore Hipster, you must consider the context and pay close attention to details.
Boho Hipsters, for example, hang out hang out at Keno's in Encinitas and ride vintage motorcycles. However, Hardcore Hipsters frequent The Saloon and are too angst-ridden to have hobbies. While we know that their hardcore tendencies stem from unresolved teen anger, it is unknown why they went hip instead of punk.
Business Casual Hipsters are always one PBR away from being Case-Of-The-Monday's Hipsters, and always roll with a token Kooky Hipster, like this one in the sequined American flag vest, to make themselves seem more professionally distressed by comparison.
The parents of these Starter Hipsters swear it's just a phase.
Most hipsters don't look at the camera when having their picture taken because they use every photo as an opportunity to audition for a Marc Jacobs ad campaign. This Happy He-Hipster got a call back for Marc Jacobs cologne, but couldn't go because he was volunteering at the library.
*I don't know why the Semester Abroad Hipster on the right is so annoyed- she looks amazing in her beret and slim fitting vintage American flag sweater. Maybe she got a parking ticket while she was walking on the beach in her socks and Keds?
I imagine that all hipsters are incredible dart throwers and these darts are 100% hipster-approved because they're made from bikes that "died on the streets of Portland."
Grande Hipsters are a coffee shop staple, as are the Hipsters-You-Take-Home-To-Mom, but I've never seen anything like the he-hipster on the right before. If you ever run into him at an Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros show, tell him he's my Hipster Hero.
Although they'd never admit it, hipsters must love 4th of July-- it's the one day out of the year that everyone wears the same clothes, yet hipsters can generally pull off patriotic pants and stars & striped suspenders better than we "normies" can.
That being said, I can't find my sunglasses so, as I type this, I'm wearing BluBlocker sunglasses that I borrowed from my grandfather-- and am totally rocking them. Who's hip now?
Fireflies live for about two months.
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